I stumbled on a shoelace, although I thought it was well tied by a friendship of about 10 years. Living proof that there are lace, and there laces (**Romanian word play). Incredible this life, how it always surprises me, how it always entices me with a sample of “what would have been if …”.
Tic-tac. Tic-tac. Life passes by me, like a borrowed night. I waited myself and I didn’t come to the meeting. Now I won’t find what it’s like to live your whole life in one night. How much does a new dawn costs? How much does it cost to know even if today sunrise wasn’t the last I saw?
If you would buy me for a night, what would you do with me? With what would you start me? Would you listen the history of thrilled feelings inside my chest, or the heart’s innocent struggles, but prematurely aged? Would you listen to my prayer for a new dawn? Would you tell me how much there is still hope and how much my arms can carry crosses much heavier? Would you finish me in one night all the unfinished things of a lifetime, would you give me all the things I’ve ever wanted and I never got a chance to live?
How much would you pay for my last night? Would you have the heart to hold me captive? Would you pay to open the door of the cage under my left shoulder? Would you give me one night of freedom?
I thought so far that shoelaces (another cunning shoelace, not the same one!) sit good or naughty, somewhere in the hall, perhaps at the entrance. I thought that I was the one sleeping in the bed. However, it must be obvious now, I didn’t pay for the whole night, and I found myself perplexed in the late hour of the night, outside, at the entrance, next to the pair of empty and sleepy shoes. The perfidious suddenly disappeared, she sleeps in bed in my place now. She will find me in the morning, when she wakes up still sleepy and she will leave to the office, holding hands with a shoe. She probably won’t notice me. She will probably step over “I really missed you!” and over “I would have liked so much to…!”, and she will hit the belly of the frail “why?!” which will pull her sleeve anemically. Do not worry, my cunning dear, you stay calm, for I am fine now. I forgot about smiles and sparkles in the eyes too. I’m only afraid that now you wouldn’t have enough lifetime to buy me even one night.
Life: and yet, a sad smile. It seems that sometimes things end up with a not so happy ending. I do not remember to have ever asked for a life as a carousel: now on heights of deity, now on hells of Dante. Ever since I became an expert at watching the empty, only stupid thoughts cross my mind. How about if I cry with such fire, with all the bitterness of me, until I would extinguish the Inferno? I would love to live in a world of tears, at least then I would always float at sea level. But it is ok… it will eventually come, my last night … In the meantime, I remain with the stormy sea inside my chest.
Really so! It wasn’t enough for my blackened thoughts about moving back to Bucharest, about the suffocating heat of outside, about hungry or sick children, about the more and more more omnipresent ignorance, about my mini-charismatic thunderstorms in glasses of soul. Now I must also think about what… laces to wear around, at my shoes…
Șoapte...
Tags: decline, existance, inner demons, life, personal thoughts, scraps of thoughts
